I made some audio recordings today, but I can't figure out an easy way to put them up here. I'll try to figure that out; if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I've really appreciated the positive comments so far, by the way. It's so good to feel connected, to know that other people out there understand.
I'm in a very inconsistent place. Some moments I feel excited and optimistic, other times I feel confused and uncertain. I think I have an idea of what to do--I want to start writing. But about what? I feel scattered. My energy comes and goes.
Let me share something I wrote in my journal on Sunday. I was sitting at Whole Foods, eating a package of Raweos and drinking a Kombucha (my usual). I was feeling a bit wistful, reflective. And then, in the reflection on the glass window in front of me, I was able to see the guy behind me making pizza at the pizza counter:
"I'm watching this guy make a pizza here. He slowly stretched the dough out, draping it over his fists and slowly rotating it around and around as it stretched out thinner and thinner. I was suddenly struck by the poignancy of it--him laboring on this futile little task. All for a paycheck. I wonder if he likes doing it, or if he finds it a chore. It could be sensuous and joyful or tedious and boring, depending on his perspective. Is that the message here--we should just change our perspectives and enjoy life as much as we can? I guess that would be the positive-thinking approach. But I was feeling something different. I was feeling bittersweet, feeling a sense of awe and sadness at the human condition, our perseverance in the face of struggle. We're always working, striving, toiling to exist. We cling to existance with all we have. We fight for existance. Why? Something inside us drives us to do it, to survive. Every cell in our bodies is a little machine, working to keep going. Every fiber of our being seems programmed to keep alive, to push ahead no matter what. It's amazing. It doesn't always make sense, but you have to stand in awe of it nonetheless."
To reflect on that reflection, I think it could be viewed as either depressing and fatalistic or beautiful and poignant. Either life is meaningless or life is beautiful. I used to believe the latter, in my post-spiritual intellectual angst phase, until raw foods and spirituality woke me up a bit. Now, I see life as beautiful and absurd at the same time. Wow, how great it is to feel these things.